Kealan Patrick Burke author of Turtle Boy, Kin, and more is visiting the Wastelands today to help out with shell of a problem.
Darkfallen: Greta!! I told you not to feed that damn turtle!
Darkfallen: You’re baby, my ass!! I’m about to call an expert.
*Greta pets the giant turtle that is soaking in the Wastelands swimming pool while sucking on the last author’s leg.
Darkfallen: He’ll be here in a minute.
Kealan: This is not my beautiful house.
Greta: No no no!! You did not call him!
Darkfallen: Thank Zombie Bob that you’re here!! We have a problem.
Greta: No we don’t!! Little Dude is part of the family now! I can’t help it that he got into some non-organic veggies and started craving human flesh. He doesn’t know any better.
Darkfallen: Do you think you can help, Kealan?
Kealan: How about electrical-taping him to a chair and forcing him to watch reruns of
? That would kill anybody’s appetite. Jersey Shore
Darkfallen: Yeah, we tried that but the dang turtle kept escaping from the chair.
Kealan: Industrial strength glue, and brainwashing him into believing that there are no people in the outside world, only starving bald eagles and ravenous coyotes.
Darkfallen: Well, that’s an idea. Do you have any of those with you?
Kealan: No, but you could convince him that dining on people is like admitting he’s racist.
Darkfallen: Do you know how to do that?
Kealan: No, not really. Have you tried draining the pool?
Darkfallen: Oh yeah!
*One hour later and one man-eating turtle stuck at the bottom of an empty pool, Greta hangs her feet over while Little Dude strains to jump and sink his beak into her flesh.
Greta: This sucks!! Little Dude is not pleased in this!!
Darkfallen: It’s better than the other alternative.
Greta: Which was?
Kealan and Darkfallen: Turtle soup!!
Greta: You guys suck!
Darkfallen: Thanks for visiting the Wastelands Kealan! You totally saved us from having a destructive man-eating turtle on our hands.
Kealan Patrick Burke is offering 5 Wastelanders a chance to win an e-copy of his latest thriller, "Kin". Enter into the world of backwoods cannibals and see if you can make it out alive!